The ABCs of being Eli Broad

Los Angeles is blessed with a surfeit of alphabet-soup acronyms for its world-class museums, famously, LACMA and MOCA.

Both derive from the mother of all art-museum acronyms, MOMMY, er … MOMA.

In a Huffington Post blog item, bad-boy Coagula Art Journal editor Mat Gleason posits options for Uncle Eli’s swank new warehouse of contemporary art. The palace of Cindy Sherman and Jeff Koons will live on Grand Avenue directly across from MOCA.

Take it away, Mat!

ABC – Art of the Broad Collection
If network television does not have much longer to go, Eli’s ego can allow him to defeat Channel 7 and take on the alphabet itself for significance.

BACO – Broad Art COllection
If the museum is just artificially maintaining the price tag of Eli’s art holdings, you can bet that his boring blue-chip art collection will be the constant center or our shortening attention spans.

The EEL – short for Edythe and ELi
Marketing the overpriced collection with a hip moniker that sends props to Broad’s wife Edythe for buying matching drapes all these years. Many a good headline awaits:
•Dan Flavin looks Electric at the EEL
•Barbara Kruger EEL Survey Lacks Spark
•Nam June Paik Electrocutes Art History at the EEL

BAM BAM – Broad Artist Management at the Broad Art Museum
Perhaps Eli intends to become the art world equivalent of CAA and manage the careers of the artists he collects. Why not have the agency housed in the same building as the art?

DOGMA – Downtown On Grand Museum of Art
If the museum is meant to prop up Eli’s real estate holdings downtown and his vision for Grand Avenue (whatever they may be, I have a hunch he is not a renter), why not put the location into the name – it will help all those Westsiders punch the name into their GPS for a rare foray east of Highland Avenue. And this museum may end up so boring you will really need to believe the dogma of postmodernism to make the move.

BROMIDE – Broad Museum In Downtown Everyday
Nothing upsets a museum visitor more than showing up when the galleries are between exhibitions. A “7-Days-A-Week” policy could be a marketing bonanza for Eli. It will assure his building the lion’s share of anyone needing a Jeff Koons fix on the day LACMA is hosing down their balloon dog.

POVERA – Palace Of Visual Entertainment and Return on investment Art
If Eli buys it, you can bet that it looks good in his portfolio next to the business investments. But so little blue chip art is meaningful beyond the core art audience, so why not emulate the Arte Povera movement and scatter about the Visual Entertainment of interesting Los Angeles contemporary art amidst the bankable Damien Hirst and Cindy Sherman hedge fund decorations.

EAMES – Eli’s Art Museum of Elite Snobbery
Well, there would be no doubt of what kind of furniture Broad would put in his cathedral to honor feeling superior. The hippest seating of the 20th century would abound at a place that aims to make the ordinary museum visitor feel small and insignificant amidst all the price tags.

COPACABANA – Center Of Permanently Accessible Contemporary And Broad Acquired New Art
Cue Barry Manilow: While it would be the hottest museum north of Havana, just imagine if they hire a curator named Lola!